I’m sitting here looking out the window between art projects reflecting on the past few months and writing this update for anyone who is wondering and cares how I’m doing, really. My last blog post was nearly two months ago and as we know, a lot can happen in that time.
Whew! Where to start? Well, the first 6 weeks I wanted to die. I spent several days where I did nothing but lay in bed with a pain in my side, I could barely eat or drink. I’d go days without food and only sips of water. I lost over 20 pounds and took a lot of benzos and ate a lot of edibles to get by. I couldn’t shower or change clothes, I was literally wasting away. Being around most people made me feel sad, angry or depressed. If it were not for my closest friends and my community both near and far, I am not sure I’d have made it through the dark.
One day, my life slowly started coming back as I gathered the strength to pick up a pencil and start drawing. I put my feelings into lines on paper, lines that turned into sketches and sketches that will eventually be paintings. I started my first painting at the beginning of May, with each stroke of the brush, I was able to let out and convey the emotions the words could not convey. Through many tears, triumphs and interruptions, I finally finished that first painting a month after I started it.
In that time, I also tried coming back to work. My first try was at Women’s Weekend in April, it was healing to be in nature, being taken care of and teach a group of amazing women a poi basics workshop and “Sigils for the Analytical Mind”, do some fire performance with Christine and lay on the earth at night and listen to the Universe as I would ask, “what next?!?!”
The next week was teaching my Cats N Mats Yoga at Tenth Life. It felt good, it was emotional and it reminded me that even though I have this grief that I carry, I am more than that. I am a teacher, I am a warrior and I am love and compassion for humankind in general.
Around the same time, I slowly started holding rehearsals with the ERBD Gang who really is my family. At first I was going through the motions and could barely make it through our shortened practices without feeling done and disconnected. But the more I did it, the better I felt, little by little step by step. It all came together in a huge well of emotion when we performed exactly 2 months after the murder. I was reminded that I am an artist, I NEED to create. I am also a performer, it is how I convey my emotions to the masses. It never felt so liberating and fulfilling to step on the stage as it did at the Lupulin Carnival. To bare my soul and have an entire crowd at a beer festival go silent. Even if I did sleep a full 18 hours after, it was so worth it. To be reminded from a place deep inside that I am not meant to wither away in the dark. I have an innate need to be of the light. Those events started a slow build back into the land of the living.
Since then, I have made small steps like trying to reconnect with friends and make new ones, when I have the energy. I added three private classes back into my schedule and more time at Tenth Life teaching yoga and now a monthly Bellydance with Cats class. I finally started making jewelry again and even though I am still behind, I am working on getting everything where it needs to be for upcoming traveling sales. Not to mention I am still producing 3 shows this year Hard Raks Cafe on August 3rd, Transcendence on September 13th and Urban Cabaret on November 8th.
Grief makes you do odd things…like EVP recordings (I did finally stop those, just FYI), being scared to do things you used to do or at the other end being reckless and having an unsafe attitude about things or even better… driving to New Mexico to climb to the top of a mountain, scream and cry at the Universe only to climb back down, eat in a cafe in Santa Fe and head back home – all in a mere 42 hours I will add (true story). All the while, I’m going through every imaginable emotion in random order – fear, anger, guilt, sadness, love. I think I finally figured out why I needed to do that, but that is a whole other story for another time. All I can say is sometimes, you just need to drive and do something to scare yourself, like leave home or sleep in a gas station parking lot in the back of the car.
Grief has given me flexibility, strength and pain tolerance (physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally) like none I have known before, the impossible has become possible. My focus for things physical or spiritual is at an all time high. I can do splits and arm balances I could never do before after practicing for years. I have taken up rock climbing and archery, which I love. They make me want to get back to my inner wild woman and nature. I feel restless in the concrete jungle and long to be in the woods, climbing trees,learning from nature and of course, hunting for bones.
Overall, I am doing good. I of course still have moments where grief hits, but I keep moving, keep breathing and keep living. I honor and carry sadness and grief. I allow myself to marinate in those feelings when they happen rather than push them to the side.
I am much more empathetic now, than I have ever been and I am more in tune with at least right now with signs from the Universe. I’m sensitive to other energy and I have deja vu almost on a daily basis now. I see the 1:11 or 11:11 on the clock several times per week. My dreams are lucid and more vivid than ever. I find signs everywhere that tell me I’m right where I need to be. But this is all a completely different blog post for another time, or perhaps several posts.
What’s on the horizon? Well, a lot actually. I can’t really talk about it all yet. I’m just going to say that the impossible is possible if you allow your heart and mind to be open. The Universe has literally turned my world upside down this year first for worse, then with an amazing surprise. Be like water.
I have a LOT of traveling in my future with teaching workshops, Amorticious and finding my hearts desire and following my bliss. I can say I am taking hitting New Orleans in September and looking for teaching opportunities during the week leading up to the Curiosities Expo I am vending at on September 21st a three week tour of the Western US in October and am looking for paid performance gigs, teaching workshops or vending opportunities between Denver and Portland/Seattle/Tacoma areas.
I am going on a spiritual pilgrimage in December and possibly January, then in March I’ll be doing an overseas tour with some other artists and am looking for bookings for vending/ performing/ teaching. I would not be surprised if I end up relocating at some point to be closer to nature and to my heart.
I still managed to video 4 new classes for my Patreon and did a few give aways, once I get to 50 Patrons, I’m gong to do another giveaway for a painting or a headdress. TBD, but your choice of either, you can sing up for a measly 10$ a month to have full access to many videos both yoga and bellydance. even the 3$ tier gets you entered in drawings and special sneak peeks.
I’m going to close this post with an album someone wonderful introduced me to. It reminds me of love and all the possibilities and miracles life has to offer if you allow yourself to be open.