Recently I found myself feeling overwhelmed, saying “yes” to too many things and people, and not honoring my own space and time. It kind of all came to a head the day of a show last weekend when I had a panic attack that lasted pretty much almost 24 hrs. Anxiety set in and my tummy was in knots, my chest was tight and a lump in my throat. I was shaky and completely unsteady on my feet. As soon as the show was over, I felt worse then woke up the next day feeling great honestly. In retrospect, I should have probably canceled doing the show. My body was not happy with me, but I hate backing out of obligations especially when I truly was looking forward to the show.
March is always a difficult month for me. With the anniversary of Anthony’s death, it truly is the Ides of March. Also my allergies have really been awful this year with unpredictable sneezing and coughing and red, itchy eyes. I’m also dealing with some changes in my body that I haven’t yet figured the work around with performing and such.
Which led me to taking a break from performing for a couple months. I had to back out of two shows Amber Adelaide’s Curious Cabaret and Bibi Dazzle’s Velvet Hour. You should absolutely go and support these shows. I’ve been running amuck the past 6 weeks doing several shows and performances but haven’t had the time and space and energy to refine and work with my body as it is now with this knee issue. It’s incredibly frustrating, but it’s also incredibly fixable with some physical therapy and learning how to move in new ways. And it’s about preventative self care. Knowing when enough is enough before reaching the point of physical, emotional and mental burnout.
I felt guilty, at first, for canceling on these amazing shows, feeling bad about myself, etc. However, the producers were not only really fucking cool about it, they actually gave a damn and we’re totally understanding . Yep. And I gave a damn about my mental health and physical health and chose to put that first right now. I am so glad I did and I am so grateful for the community and friends I have.
In the meantime, I have to get ready for my first Oddities and Curiosities Expo in Columbus, OH and Indy – both in April. I am focusing my energy on growing my community on Patreon by continuing to organize hikes, cemetery crawls and monthly challenges. All the while I have implemented a nightly self care ritual for myself (we’ll talk more about that next time). Should you be feeling the need for some self care I am giving you free access to this stress relieving guided breath work video I made after my trip to Peru last fall. I think you’ll find the 4/7/8 breath to be calming as fuck and if nothing else the video footage is refreshing as nature is healing.
Speaking of self care, I am excited to be collaborating with Amber Skye and Daewen of The Stygian Collective this July for a day long mini self care self exploration retreat affectionately entitled “ Unwind”. It’s a day long event featuring movement and self exploration workshops for every body and just 80$ in advance and limited to 10 people. More info forthcoming, here is the registration link in case you want to get in now.
My next performance will be in May 2023 at Show Me Burlesque Saturday night Spectaculaire, I’ll be doing my Seven Devils performance. I hope you can make it out.