I’m sitting here looking out the window between art projects reflecting on the past few months and writing this update for anyone who is wondering and cares how I’m doing, really. My last blog post was nearly two months ago and as we know, a lot can happen in that time.

Whew! Where to start? Well, the first 6 weeks I wanted to die. I spent several days where I did nothing but lay in bed with a pain in my side, I could barely eat or drink. I’d go days without food and only sips of water. I lost over 20 pounds and took a lot of benzos and ate a lot of edibles to get by. I couldn’t shower or change clothes, I was literally wasting away. Being around most people made me feel sad, angry or depressed. If it were not for my closest friends and my community both near and far, I am not sure I’d have made it through the dark.

One day, my life slowly started coming back as I gathered the strength to pick up a pencil and start drawing. I put my feelings into lines on paper, lines that turned into sketches and sketches that will eventually be paintings. I started my first painting at the beginning of May, with each stroke of the brush, I was able to let out and convey the emotions the words could not convey. Through many tears, triumphs and interruptions, I finally finished that first painting a month after I started it.

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In that time, I also tried coming back to work. My first try was at Women’s Weekend in April, it was healing to be in nature, being taken care of and teach a group of amazing women a poi basics workshop and “Sigils for the Analytical Mind”, do some fire performance with Christine and lay on the earth at night and listen to the Universe as I would ask, “what next?!?!”

The next week was teaching my Cats N Mats Yoga at Tenth Life. It felt good, it was emotional and it reminded me that even though I have this grief that I carry, I am more than that. I am a teacher, I am a warrior and I am love and compassion for humankind in general.

Around the same time, I slowly started holding rehearsals with the ERBD Gang who really is my family. At first I was going through the motions and could barely make it through our shortened practices without feeling done and disconnected. But the more I did it, the better I felt, little by little step by step. It all came together in a huge well of emotion when we performed exactly 2 months after the murder. I was reminded that I am an artist, I NEED to create. I am also a performer, it is how I convey my emotions to the masses. It never felt so liberating and fulfilling to step on the stage as it did at the Lupulin Carnival. To bare my soul and have an entire crowd at a beer festival go silent. Even if I did sleep a full 18 hours after, it was so worth it. To be reminded from a place deep inside that I am not meant to wither away in the dark. I have an innate need to be of the light. Those events started a slow build back into the land of the living.

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Since then, I have made small steps like trying to reconnect with friends and make new ones, when I have the energy. I added three private classes back into my schedule and more time at Tenth Life teaching yoga and now a monthly Bellydance with Cats class. I finally started making jewelry again and even though I am still behind, I am working on getting everything where it needs to be for upcoming traveling sales. Not to mention I am still producing 3 shows this year Hard Raks Cafe on August 3rd, Transcendence on September 13th and Urban Cabaret on November 8th.

Grief makes you do odd things…like EVP recordings (I did finally stop those, just FYI), being scared to do things you used to do or at the other end being reckless and having an unsafe attitude about things or even better… driving to New Mexico to climb to the top of a mountain, scream and cry at the Universe only to climb back down, eat in a cafe in Santa Fe and head back home – all in a mere 42 hours I will add (true story). All the while, I’m going through every imaginable emotion in random order – fear, anger, guilt, sadness, love. I think I finally figured out why I needed to do that, but that is a whole other story for another time. All I can say is sometimes, you just need to drive and do something to scare yourself, like leave home or sleep in a gas station parking lot in the back of the car.

Grief has given me flexibility, strength and pain tolerance (physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally) like none I have known before, the impossible has become possible. My focus for things physical or spiritual is at an all time high. I can do splits and arm balances I could never do before after practicing for years. I have taken up rock climbing and archery, which I love. They make me want to get back to my inner wild woman and nature. I feel restless in the concrete jungle and long to be in the woods, climbing trees,learning from nature and of course, hunting for bones.

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Overall, I am doing good. I of course still have moments where grief hits, but I keep moving, keep breathing and keep living. I honor and carry sadness and grief. I allow myself to marinate in those feelings when they happen rather than push them to the side.

I am much more empathetic now, than I have ever been and I am more in tune with at least right now with signs from the Universe. I’m sensitive to other energy and I have deja vu almost on a daily basis now. I see the 1:11 or 11:11 on the clock several times per week. My dreams are lucid and more vivid than ever. I find signs everywhere that tell me I’m right where I need to be. But this is all a completely different blog post for another time, or perhaps several posts.

What’s on the horizon? Well, a lot actually. I can’t really talk about it all yet. I’m just going to say that the impossible is possible if you allow your heart and mind to be open. The Universe has literally turned my world upside down this year first for worse, then with an amazing surprise. Be like water.

I have a LOT of traveling in my future with teaching workshops, Amorticious and finding my hearts desire and following my bliss. I can say I am taking hitting New Orleans in September and looking for teaching opportunities during the week leading up to the Curiosities Expo I am vending at on September 21st a three week tour of the Western US in October and am looking for paid performance gigs, teaching workshops or vending opportunities between Denver and Portland/Seattle/Tacoma areas.

I am going on a spiritual pilgrimage in December and possibly January, then in March I’ll be doing an overseas tour with some other artists and am looking for bookings for vending/ performing/ teaching. I would not be surprised if I end up relocating at some point to be closer to nature and to my heart.

I still managed to video 4 new classes for my Patreon and did a few give aways, once I get to 50 Patrons, I’m gong to do another giveaway for a painting or a headdress. TBD, but your choice of either, you can sing up for a measly 10$ a month to have full access to many videos both yoga and bellydance. even the 3$ tier gets you entered in drawings and special sneak peeks.

I’m going to close this post with an album someone wonderful introduced me to. It reminds me of love and all the possibilities and miracles life has to offer if you allow yourself to be open.

Anthony was an amazing digital CGI artist, photographer, musician and friend to many in the photography community and beyond until he had his life senselessly taken away on the fateful night of March 18th. You’ll never want to experience the feeling of seeing your loved one’s life taken away, trying to bring them back and having them take their last breath in your arms, then getting robbed of an ambulance ride to the hospital with them. It cuts deep to the root of your soul and tears your heart out. How does one live without a heart? I’m still trying to find the answer to that question.

I know we have all had different experiences with him, whether you were a family member, former classmate, roommate or lover. Even as a fellow photographer, you probably felt a sense of camaraderie and his willingness to help his fellow photographers on the many forums and events he shot at. As a model, his friendly personality would put one at ease, and he did like to go out of his way do to make each shoot he did special and make each model feel their best. I was lucky enough to witness both his camaraderie and his working with models.

He was a gentle dreamer and a man of high standards who had a great sense of humor, extreme intelligence, a unique way of solving problems and kindness to others. He never settled for anything less than what he really wanted in love and in life.

Unbeknownst to many, he was a very sensitive person who had been treated poorly by many people through out his life and often felt alone and undervalued. So he kept walls up and kept people away at arms length. To be honest, there weren’t many people he actually wanted to be friends with or get close to.

He went through a long period of darkness until he finally found himself and what he wanted through a lot of time alone and deep meditation. He was a deep thinker and spiritual person with a beautiful soul although many would or could not see the diamond in the rough.

We met in 2012, when I had taken a one year vow of celibacy and break from any relationships. Timing and circumstance would bring us together and pull us apart for years, until one night in late 2017, we talked for 3 hours in his car about everything from the masks people wear to coffee enemas (yes, I said coffee enemas). Any walls we had, came down that night. In the next few months, our friendship grew exponentially. I was moth to a flame, I could see the inner light shining and was helpless to stop it’s natural course and allow myself to be vulnerable to him.

Anthony is the love of my life, my storybook romance, the yin to my yang. I am the Universe and he is the darkness that surrounds me.

We loved each other unconditionally and fiercely for exactly one year. Our love is magical and we loved harder and did more things in that time than most couples do during an entire lifetime. He was everything I ever wanted and more in a best friend, lover and soulmate. Everything about us was serendipitous from the matching rings we have to the events that day leading right up to that terrible night. I’ll never forget my last hug and kiss from him, holding his hand as we made our way to the parking lot for what we thought would be a relaxing evening of Chinese food and one of the many Marvel movies I haven’t really seen.

I can say without any doubt we were both happier than we had ever been in our entire lives. We had found our home together. The pieces that didn’t seem to makes sense, all of a sudden, just fell into place. The first week we spent an entire weekend together camping in my studio. Just one month into our relationship, I took him to Vegas, less than 3 months later we moved in together. I had the best birthday ever with him. We celebrated Thanksgiving together and went to Austin. We had a magical holiday season together, which neither of us (especially him) had had in a long time. Two weeks before he was murdered, he showed me the engagement ring he was saving up to buy me. We made the most of every moment, even though I was busy running my business and he had to work the dreaded day job. I am grateful that I was allowed to see the true beauty inside of him and he see the inner light that shines in me. Most people don’t get that in life.

One of the many quotes from him to me in one of our many musings together that keeps me going these days: Those that refuse to look past the cover, will never know the story that is written. You have strength, intelligence, wit, drive, tenacity. Your beauty is just a bonus to the things I look for. Because in my mind, if you’re not strong enough to stand alone, then I can not stand with you.

Obviously, I wish this didn’t happen. But I wouldn’t trade my time with him for anything, it was the most valuable and fulfilling time of my life. This pain, this grief, these emotions are mine and I’m owning them as the price you pay when you love someone truly with all your heart. You have to love yourself unconditionally too and Anthony was the beacon that led me to love myself in that way. He loved me as I am and I love myself as I am, grief stricken or not.

I hope that by sharing my experience with love and grief,I will encourage anyone paying attention to have integrity and never settle for less than what you really want in life and love. Don’t be complacent. The real things in life aren’t always easy because it’s all about taking that risk, that first leap whatever that it is you feel a calling for. Life is too short to be unhappy or just ok, beat yourself up or wonder about the what ifs. This requires radical honesty with yourself and listening to the Universe, for we are all connected.

Love fiercely with all your heart, but know that the more pure and fierce the love, the more it hurts when something like this happens. You’ll want to die, you’ll falter, you’ll be angry and find out who your true friends really are. You’ll also be pleasantly surprised by unexpected support on your side be it from strangers or the community. I know I am thankful for my community, strangers and friends.

Your true friends will hold space for you and actually be there when you need them, but will understand that you need space to cry, scream into the darkness, punch walls or lay in bed. I am eternally grateful for the handful of true friends that are in my inner circle. Honestly, without them, I would not be here right now.

Some will be playing the regrets game and others who never gave them a second thought or seldom if ever reached out in everyday life will all of a sudden personalize your grief for any myriad of reasons. Most won’t know what to say, so then come the I’m sorrys which are in the best of intentions because really there isn’t anything to say that will bring them back.

Everyone handles death and tragedy in different ways, there is no right or wrong way to handle it, it’s individual. There are compassionate ways to handle it and other ways with ill intent. There is no timeline on grief and losing the one who meant the most to you. I can only hope that someday I will still be able to look back on these wonderful memories and this love and feel lighter than I do right now. That’s really the best one can hope for. It might never get better, but either way I will keep on my path whatever it may be.

For me everyday is a journey of emotions, from rivers of tears and sadness and longing. to mountains of anger at someone he didn’t care for personalizing the death, to the desert of pushing through and doing my taxes (yes, I did them), to tromping through mud still trying to create (because I am an artist) and go about my life because I know that the wheel of life keeps turning no matter what. Change is constant. For better or worse.

For outsiders looking in, I invite you to choose compassion and consideration for the grieving, don’t tell someone to get over it, don’t tell them that they will be ok or the deceased wants you to be happy, you got spared for a reason or that you have to let them go. Also, please don’t personalize it, unless you were actually inner circle at that time or a family member. I invite you to really consider your relationship or lack thereof with the deceased when they were alive and think about how you would have done things differently in the time leading up to that death and then take that and apply it to the people you care about who are still alive. I invite you to live your life as if every last second counts, because it does.

Time is the most valuable, unpredictable and limited commodity we have in our lives. People place a high value on money but time and memories, that is the salt of the earth.

Ask yourself…Do you want your memories based on choices out of complacency, fear or what ifs? Or do you want your memories and time spent here to be based on following your dreams, your calling, based in love not fear or ego? In the words of Jim Carey (Anthony and I were fans of his motivational speeches), I’d much rather fail trying at something I love, than something I don’t love because I’m scared.

Without further ado… here is the heartfelt memorial video I made in his honor. It’s my first attempt at something like this. So much love and intention went into creating a brief portrait of the man I know and love.Its about 20 mins long and you’ll want to listen with the sound ON. All the music is by him except one song is by Nigel Stanford (one of his favorites).

Ten years and counting…

Today marks my 10 year anniversary as a show producer.

My first show was 2/7/2009 it was a sold out show called the Bleeding Hearts Ball held in a venue called the Necropolis in the basement of Utopia Studios. It was wall to wall people. What made this show so unique was that it was the first dark fusion/experimental bellydance show held in St. Louis and our audience was the general public. A lot of the goth club kids from the St. Louis scene were here as well as a bunch of out of towners. Our guest of honor was Ariellah from California. It was a TON of hard work and a HUGE learning experience for me.

That show set the tone for how I wanted to produce my future shows.

In 2010, I started a monthly show called Urban Cabaret at The Way Out Club in South City. It was a kitchsy spot with a bar cat, perfect for the show producer just starting out and the owners were very accomodating and kind. The show started on a Wednesday night and I started it as a platform for my dancers to have someplace to perform. Then I started opening it up to the entire dance community. In 2014 we moved our show to accommodate our growing audience and in 2015 we made Mad Art Gallery our permanent home.

It’s 2019 and here I am, still producing Urban Cab and now I have Hard Raks Cafe which is held at the Monocle almost quarterly. It takes a lot of dedication, patience and people skills to produce a show. I can never let any personal issues get in the way. I sometimes have a lot of egos to deal with producing shows (mine and others!), definitely a lot of herding cats. It’s not for everyone, you have to grow a thick skin, but at the same time be kind first and foremost to yourself. Some will try and will fail, because the dedication it takes to be consistent. Consistency is key.

If an aspiring show producer were to ask what it takes to produce shows – consistency and dedication. You’re going to have failures and success. Try to look at failures as a learning opportunity. Go to other shows and learn, take notes, what did you like, what didn’t you like and why. And also be honest, but kind. You need to know how to communicate effectively. You also need to know that when you are wearing your show producer hat and busy running the show, you need to still be a real person and take the time to personally if you can thank guests and friends for spending their money and more importantly, time coming out to your show. Be cordial. Be grateful. Be kind and real with yourself. You’re going to have times where you may think, why am I even doing this and that’s ok. You’re going to have times where you maybe feel unappreciated and you have to pay money out of your own pockets. You may want to give up from time to time, but hang in there. You’ll figure out what you need to make it good for you.

My vision for producing shows was and still is, a lively and safe space for all bellydancers to perform and grow as dancers and artists and to create a sense of community. Leave any drama or bullshit at the store, at these shows- it’s all about the dance. We all know there can be some leftover drama from years past or purists who feel that a certain style isn’t bellydance, but I put aside any BS for the benefit of the show first and always, because it’s about the dance and the show there. This goes for audience members as well.

I want to present this dance and it’s many variations and styles to the general public as a valid form of art and entertainment. I want to show that anyone regardless of gender, size, race, etc can express themselves with this artform.

With all that being said – next shows I’m producing and in are:

• 2/9/19 Eat Your Heart Out Pop Up at Amorticious
• 2/9/19 Bon Bons Burlesque Boudoir at the Monocle
• 2/22 and 2/23/19 Naughti Gras 12 at Koken Art Factory
• 3/2/19 Hard Raks Cafe at the Monocle
• 5/3/19 Urban Cabaret at Mad Art

Like every year, 2018 was a year of change, learning, growing and expanding my mind and spiritual awareness. It was also a year for many changes with my career. I feel immense gratitude for everything that happened in 2018 be it great or the not so great. That which challenges only serves for the higher purpose of making me stronger and more aware.

In 2018, I cut down on social media time by almost 50%, I didn’t say I didn’t post, I’m just saying I didn’t go through the feed which sometimes is a real downer and energy draining. I feel if people spent more time connecting face to face and less time on social media the world would be a better place, but gotta feed the monster 😉 (that’s another story for another time). I cut out draining forces from my life and instead, I reconnected with family and friends, I made new like-minded friends and connections. I also reconnected with and my spiritual roots and let intuition take over, I began listening to my gut and letting go of fear and expectation. Fear only serves to hold us back and let us get in our own way. Expectation only serves to create disappointment. I throw caution to the wind, I take my time and I find that I am open to the possibilities the Universe has to offer. Most importantly I came to the realization that anything is possible, but you have to believe, without any doubt in your deepest well of knowledge that that which you wish to manifest (say that 3 x fast!) will come to fruition when the time is right.

Seems as if timing is everything and it is. I lay groundwork and foundation for my deepest desires sometimes many years before they manifest, sometimes many years before I even know what my desires are. The Universe foreshadows events in our lives and it is up to us to heed the signs and follow our calling. For years, try almost a decade now I have desired to make videos with my knowledge to share with those who want an authentic and honest experience with someone who has extensive knowledge in what I’m teaching, yet is humble, has a good sense of humor and always open to expanding their own knowledge. The timing was never right, but in reality I just wasn’t ready.

Okay by this time you might be thinking what’s with the hokey pokey spiritual talk, Ami? Or maybe you are right on my wavelength here. Anyway, let me get back to where I was or better yet, here’s where I am going…

It’s 2019 lovefuckers! Don’t wait another minute to put your intentions into a forward motion, don’t be a victim of your own circumstance. Embrace your fears, embrace your weakness and meet them head on. The power is in YOU. Don’t make a resolution, start a revolution and continue on your personal evolution!

Speaking of getting the ball rolling…

Today, I am thrilled to finally make one of my dreams become a reality in the form of launching my Patreon! My Patreon has it all from dance and yoga videos (I promise they will get better and more in depth the more I do them) to giveaways, private lessons, behind the scenes footage, special parties/events for patrons, gifts and much more! Just as life is ever changing, I expect my Patreon will be ever changing.

For my dance and yoga students this will be an affordable way to practice with me outside of class starting with full practices and tutorials at just 10$/month for full access. I’m hoping to get as comfortable in front of the camera as possible so it will be just like taking a class with me and not a fixed environment. I have to admit these first couple videos, I was hella nervous. For a few really dedicated pupils, I offer a membership level that includes one private lesson per month here at my studio or online via skype.

For my friends and fans who don’t care about yoga or bellydance, there will be incentives and videos for you too, in the form of behind the scenes videos, special invites to exclusive events, giveaways, gifts, cooking and baking with Ami, walks with Little Booboo and guest appearances by other personas that inhabit my body. And who knows what else I will come up with, my creativity truly knows no bounds.

I’d like to take a moment and express my undying gratitude to Anthony Sapone for teaching me how to set everything up all by myself to shoot these videos and edit them as professionally as possible.

I hope you’ll consider joining me for what could be something great. Oh yeah….This is the part where I remind you, the reader, that if you want to support me or if you want to take online classes with me, click here.

So now that I have my big ass announcement for 2019 and all the philosophical jargon out of the way.

Here’s things coming up for January/February 2019:

January 6th – Normal class schedule resumes for all weekly classes.Sign up for clothing optional yoga classes here. Sign up for Bellydance or metal rage yoga here.

January 9th – Cats n Mats Yoga at Tenth Life, 6pm 15$ pay online

January 20th – Ami Amore’s Bellydance Bootcamp – SOLD OUT! Next one in March so stay tuned!

January 26th – Performing in Chicago at Winterlux

February 9th – Eat Your Heart Out VDay Pop Shop at Amorticious Studio

March 2nd – Hard Raks Cafe’ at The Monocle

Part 1 of who knows how many…

Today I took my first ballet class in over 15 years and I loved it! It’s a challenge and it felt really good to be back in a dance class and learning new things to help me with body awareness and improve as a dancer, teacher and human being.

Today is also the 8 year anniversary of leaving a secure day job working for an architect with great benefits for over a decade to live life on my terms, following my dreams of becoming a full time creative entrepreneur.

When I started my job in 1999, I said to myself this is the last time I will work for someone else. I had no idea in 1999 what path I would take, but I just knew I’d live to be my own boss. Almost 11 years later, it was crystal clear that I needed to use my gifts and dedicate my life to teaching bellydance, yoga, making jewelry and art and living to the fullest. The universe had opened the doors for me and rolled out the red carpet (well maybe it was more like astroturf, but I digress). It’s been a long and sometimes bumpy road, but I wouldn’t live any other way. To free yourself of attachment from “things” and “comforts” and to take risks is to truly be free, the universe will provide if you let it. Now I’m not saying I want to get rid of my apartment, car or bed and live life on the road sleeping on the earth…I’m just saying… hell, I forgot what I was saying so let’s get back to where I was…

The first year or so after I quit was really rough, but I knew in my deepest self, I’d make it somehow. I’ve always had faith and confidence in myself that I am able to carry my own weight and evolve as a human mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. I truly believe I am the master of my destiny. I like to think of myself as a MacGuyver of life. I will take what ever shit I have and make something amazing out of it, this is true in art, dance and life. All I need is a strand of dental floss, a piece of bark, some butter and a pickle and I’m going to turn it into a dream come true or at least next month’s rent.

It snowed a lot that first winter and classes were canceled frequently, so money was tight. It was so tight, that most months that I could barely afford to eat. I lived on ramen noodles and weekly lunch dates with my mom or boyfriend. It took almost 11 months but in July 2011 I started to get my financial shit together.  I said out loud to myself, I am going going to go out there and make a bunch of money, rebuild my confidence, push through and climb my way out of this hole. And you know what? I did just that. It took a while, but it happened. I put the call out to the universe and put the hard work and hustle in that it takes to make ends meet as an independent artist and I keep moving onward and upward.

I didn’t have health insurance until 2013 and was physically sick and  depressed most of the time, but managed to put on a happy face around people and online and because I love dance and teaching dance, plus I felt good while I was teaching. What happened from a physiological standpoint was I had an IUD put in before I quit my job (it was paid by my insurance at the time and I had heard good things about it so thought I’d try it to save money on bc pills) and had to have it taken out after 6 months because I had almost every bad side effect you could get. Including severe back and pelvic floor pain, no libido, depression, crying for no reason, feelings of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide.  Some days it was so bad I had a hard time getting out of bed to even make food.

I was also depressed because I had my confidence shattered after a less than stellar performance. I was probably overdoing it, pushing my limits on every level and needed to rest. After that, I felt doubtful in my abilities as a performer and it took me 2+ years to completely rebuild my confidence and feelings of self worth. I realize now I am more than just Ami Amore’, performer and I take performances I am not happy with in stride, I know it’s going to happen from time to time and I try to use it as a learning experience. Also, no one but me needs to know when I am unhappy with a performance. For a long time after that incident of “the performance that shall remain nameless”,  I felt like an imposter and like I was just fooling myself. It didn’t help that I had a several toxic relationships in my life at the time and that they were peppered in every aspect of my life  – since then I have set boundaries and eliminated them.

This will come as a surprise to many of you who read this and only a few know what I went through. I never shared any of this publicly, mostly because I don’t feel like Facebook posts of this are appropriate from a professional standpoint  nor did I want sympathy, pity or  people to send me cute pics of animals or tell me I’m awesome or pretty.  I was thankful that there were people who felt and feel that way and I appreciate them, but what I really needed was from within, something I could only find inside myself in my own time.

 

Throughout that bout of not so good times, I kept on with learning and creating even when I wanted to give up – making jewelry sometimes for 12 hours on end, performing even when I felt like I was going to die inside, making costumes, helping my students elevate as dancers, choreographing for my group, producing shows, teaching workshops, taking dance workshops and laying groundwork for better days ahead. I grew leaps and bounds as a person and artist.

The most valuable lessons I learned in this time period were these. If you perform, you’re going to have an icky performance/ off days from time to time especially if  if you’re trying new things. It’s important to know that most of the people on the outside won’t notice or care that you’re having a bad performance and more importantly it’s how we grow and learn as artists. You have to take a deep breath and let it go.  That fog finally fully lifted in August 2012.

That’s about all I have in me for today. My hopes in posting these stories is that they will inspire some of you or be something you can identify with. Who knows – maybe they are a good read for you or you want more insight into who I am as a person.

 

 

AmiSpotting in Sept 2018:

9/3 and every Monday in September and beyond –

Jumpstart fusion bellydance tune up and drills 6-7pm more info or sign up here

AND

Metal Rage Yoga Home Edition 2.0, 7:15 pm Find info here

9/7 CO Yoga Blacklight Glowga party sign up here

9/16 Performing with Raw Earth at Shimmyfest in St. Charles more info here

9/20 Burlesque Bingo at The Crack Fox 9pm – with fellow ERBDs – Alena Volta and Eluria DeLune – hosted by Greta Garter

9/26 Cats n Mats Yoga at Tenth Life – normally the 1st Wednesday of the month, but this month it is the last Wednesday due to some kitty tummy virus.  more info here 

9/28 – 9/30 Women’s Weekend 17 – put on by Dianna Lucas – I’ll be teaching a basic zills class and more! It’s always a rejuvenating experience. Early bird registration through next week. More info here

 

 

 

Yoga and what’s it to me…Part I

In 1996,  I was 40 pounds overweight and unhappy.  After sitting on the couch, pulling overnighters on a weekly basis for college, eating unhealthy foods and being with a rail thin partner who could eat whatever they wanted for 3 years straight, being called fat by my grandparents and waking up feeling bad about myself morning after morning. I needed to make a change. I was still going to college at Meramec and I was still working two jobs. I needed some PE credits to graduate and signed up for Hatha Yoga at school. Little did I know it would be a life long journey for me.

Walking in, I really did not know much about yoga. I did not know the spiritual aspects or the physical aspects. I knew was that I was going to stretch and it was from India and I always felt a connection to India and all things from India. Yoga for me was like that moment in the movie “The Jerk” with Steve Martin where he snaps and finds the beat. It was a portal to the beginning of a whole new life for me, a journey of many steps over the course of 22 years now.

My first teacher was Gudula Behm, I believe she was Swedish. She was a tiny, blonde woman in her early 50’s while she was gentle, she was fierce. Not only flexible, but strong physically and mentally. There was a grace and a commanding presence to her. She was encouraging and friendly, but most importantly she was a genuine person. I knew that she really loved this thing called yoga.

The class I was in seemed to be a bunch of regulars. As in, they did yoga around town at different places and had taken classes with her before. I was the only newbie. I remember walking in and at 22, I was the youngest person there. The first poses I learned were Vriksasana (Tree pose), Bahdakonasana (butterfly pose) and corpse pose. We did a lot of twists, folding and shoulderstands. Our final for the class was to teach a 3 pose flow to the rest of the class. I chose a seated twist, a forward fold and cow’s head pose. I got an A in the class and took it again the next semester. I didn’t have an inkling of a clue where this journey would take me, but 22 years later, here I am.

I began to lose weight, I stuck with yoga doing VHS tapes and taking classes around town. In addition to yoga, I started taking. water aerobics, I was also the youngest oerson in class and the only one under 50. Before I knew it, I had lost 20 pounds! I also changed my diet. I cut out soda and began to eat healthier. The weight finally came off, so much in fact that my wedding dress ended up being too big on me on my big day!

Fast forward to 1998/1999, many months after my big day. The rest of my weight came off from depression. I had found out something terrible and was unable to do anything but barely function. I lost another 20 pounds and made it to an unhealthy 98 pounds. I took a look in the mirror one day and decided I had to do reclaim my life. So I moved out, got a haircut, a new job and eventually I drew up papers and got a divorce and my old name back.

Soon after, I started integrating yoga into my life again. For many years I took it around town at different places. I’ve gone through many different styles being hooked on power yoga from 2002ish til 2008ish. In 2008, I kind of stopped doing yoga for a few months to focus on my up and coming dance career and due to some emotional issues I was working out. Then the pain started to creep in my right hip. I would wake up in the middle of the night with pain in my right hip. I went to see a friend who was studying to be a chiropractor and it helped, but what really helped was integrating yoga back into my routine. Bye bye pain.

See yoga is amazing and wonderful if you can commit to a regular regimen even if it’s just once a week. But if you go all in and then stop, your body feels it and the pain comes back ten fold. So you really have to commit. It wasn’t until 2010 that I started getting into the mental, emotional and spiritual principles of yoga.

In January 2010, I went and had lunch with my Aunt and mentioned that I wanted to become a yoga instructor but how I did not have the money to pay for the tuition. Maybe jokingly she suggested that I post on MySpace or Facebook that I was looking for a private donor. I did. And I got a response. A legit, no ulterior motive response. Within a week, I had signed up for the next 200 hour teacher training with Jaime Sanchez at Urban Breath. What a journey it would be!

The training was once a month February through October for Friday through Sunday. It was challenging in every way possible. Physically, I was able, but there were a lot of poses I could not do, I was consistently humbled in the program. Mentally, it was way more reading than I had ever imagined also. A lot of food for thought in the materials we had to read, got me thinking about important things like existence as we know it, astral planes and energy in the body. As I studied and became more immersed in yoga philosophies, I also became more aware of my body and how I felt. Principles bcame integrated. I noticed physiological responses in my body to things like movies, music and people. I felt much more aware of how things made me feel physically, mentally and emotionally.

After ten long months, I finally graduated,but even my graduation would prove to be difficult for me as I was sick beyond belief. I had gotten the flu or a kidney infection. I had a high fever and sat shivering in the corner of the graduation. Too sick to enjoy or relish in my big accomplishment. But I did it, I had gone through all the training adn made it through depite everything going on in my personal and business life.

Fast forward another year or so, a break up from another unhealthy relationship, my home studio closing down so I converted my loft into the studio space that I today compose this story in. I live very simply in order to have the freedom of my lifestyle, but that is another story unto itself for another time.

Stay tuned for Part II…

 

January came and went and now February is in full swing. March will be here before I knw it and soon thereafter, Spring.

Winter is a time for reflection, rest, internal growth and development and often for many, a time of depression. Keep your loved ones close and your bed closer or something like that. For me it has been a time of internal reflection and growth staying connected with my friends and family, making new friends and sewing the seeds for future projects. While I am paring down my teaching schedule to make way for more metalsmithing and painting. I have decided to not take on any more gigs in 2018 unless it’s something I “will regret passing up”. I’m committed to the gigs I’m already booked for but that’s it. See below for my upcoming schedule.

January was a cold month filled with wonderful things. After taking some time off from work to work (yep, I did that…), I got back into full swing teaching dance classes. I have some exciting new choreographies in the works and I’m feeling more inspired and creative than ever. I went to the Burns dinner with my dear friend, Christine, then I somehow made my way to celebrate the bday of another dear friend, Stacey. I am blessed and thankful to have these women in my life.

I took a trip to Tacoma to teach workshops for Kat Ross’s  Tacoma Belly Dance . I was honored to be a featured dancer (as Predator) in her amazing production Horrific.  It was such a well organized show in an enormous, lovely theater (The Rialto) with over 400 people in attendance! Kat did such a wonderful job organizing ad orchestrating this, I left the weekend feeling inspired, thankful and happy. Thank you Kat.

I had a day of the great outdoors with my dear friend, Chelsea. We hiked to the top of Tiger Mountain in Seattle. It was cold and rainy and I had not hiked in 4 months!!! I am proud of my 43 year old body for doing it! Later that same day i got to visit with my old friends Tempest and Celeste and catch up with them a bit, then I randomly stopped into a place called the Highline and had a delicious vegan “fish n chips” and maybe 2 beers and maybe I played the big gay bingo there. They soon did not forget St. Louis!  The trip was one of the best experiences and it really only whet my appetite for traveling even more. My wanderlust is strong right now.

The week after found me back to teaching my regular schedule and  furiously working on costuming for Naughti Gras at Koken Art Factory. Naughti Gras was two nights of full-tilt entertainment, people-watching, erotic themed art and sensuality.  It was two nights of walking in stilettos in my Baphomet costume, carrying a 40 pound snake and a 10 pound headdress and being ON. I had a great time as usual. I am very thankful for three of my dancers (Amaiyah, Aaron and Alena Volta) for coming out and helping me with my act. My act was my depiction of the Tarot Card, The Devil and how we are a slave to our own bondage. In the act, I had fire, the Lovers and of course, Little Booboo. I hope I can do that one again for something else I have in the works for future.

Last Thursday, I finally finished my last semester’s metalsmithing project. I’m so glad I finally got that done!

This past weekend was also full speed ahead with a casual performance and mini lesson at Sincerly the Craft in Belleville, a short time to catch up with friends, many practices and privates, time with JT, yoga classes and a successful pop up shop at Lucky Cat Tattoo.

This week finds me cleaning up my living space, starting a new painting, and preparing for this weekends show Hard Raks Cafe at the Monocle! I always love seeing newbies and experienced bellydancers alike perform and I love hosting! It’s an early show just 5$ and will probably sell out.

Next weekend finds me at the wedding of a dear friend and finishing up the Amoreography class at Van Ella Studios and the weekend after is Lola’s Student Showcase and Aalim’s Night at the Cashbah.

Sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming this amazingly crazy and beautiful life I have created for myself, It’s important for me to stop and take a deep breath and take some time for myself to recharge and nourish.

Upcoming performances:

2/17 Hard Rasks Cafe at the Monocle 4:30pm

3/2 Van Ella Student Showcase at 2720 9pm

3/3 Aalim’s Night at the Casbah at American Legion Goff Moll Post 8pm

4/6 Urban Cabaret at Mad Art Gallery

5/5 Gateway Mens Chorus Fundraiser at Mad Art Gallery

5/12 Hard Raks Cafe at the Monocle

5/19 4 Hands Lupulin Carnival 2018 at union Station

6/2 Pagan Picnic at Tower Grove Park

6/29 Tribal Revolution in Chicago at The Westin Chicago

7/13 Left Hand Path Consortium at Lemp Mansion

7/14 Hard Raks Cafe – Punk A Rock A Belly – An all punk, rockabilly, old school rock n roll show at The Monocle

8/17 Raks Snarky – Tales from the Dorkside V – A Best of Show….

10/19 The Glint in Chicago

11/9 Urban Cabaret presents Night of the Shimmying Dead

 

 

 

2017 came and left.

I spent New Year’s with friends, drank one to many cosmos and kissed 2017 (and probably a bunch of people, LOL) goodbye! It was a hell of a year. In my personal life, it was bittersweet with some family illness with my mom and aunt and the death of my grandma, a women in which we never really knew each other. Somehow good things always come and I got a lot closer to another aunt, whom I love dearly and we rekindled our relationship and it’s wonderful. i am thankful for her every day.

2017 was a lot about reconnecting and spending time with my girlfriends and reclaiming my power as a woman and individual. This past year challenged me to be more assertive to men, stand up for myself, let go of negativity and toxicity and become more aware of public issues. I even started listening to podcasts, even political ones (for those who have known me for years, yes, I know it’s a surprise) . I found out how good it feels to be assertive, how good it feels when you lift heavy burden of those people or situations that drag you down. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone personally, spiritually and professionally and I feel a better person for it.

I accomplished so much in 2017 professionally. I’m not sure where to even begin. Not only did JT (RobotsDestroy) and I put together our Hand of Fate Art Show in July, we actually sold a bunch of art! I finished more paintings in 2017 than I have ever done, a total of 16 paintings. I picked up my block printing skills again and managed two block prints before years end. I learned electroforming and started taking metal smithing at my local community college.

I learned a lot about vending in 2017, I made much more money doing shows where the fee was lower than the high profile (read high-priced) vending events. My favorite events of 2017 were Pagan Picnic in Tower Grove Park, Wolf Fest, Witches Night Out StL and of course my show, Something Crafty This Way Comes (2nd year in the running!). I got turned down for a a few art and vending shows and got accepted into a bunch of shows, everything happens for a reason.

I also got out there and met a great set of local artists whom I have quickly become friends with! For example, check out my buddies, Nelson Perez and  Adam Cook .

I also taught bellydance at Dianna Lucas’s Womens Weekends, it’s a wonderful experience to teach there and a wonderful way to care for myself. The whole weekend I felt loved and taken care of in every aspect. I took Qoya, Nia, did a lot of yoga and self reflection and danced around a campfire in my poop emoji onesie – good times!

I also started Metal Yoga classes here in St Louis once a month at the Crack Fox downtown. We do cool shit like chant fuck and scream and listen to really loud music! It’s usually the second or third Monday of the month and just 10$.

Speaking of which, I just finished an awesome conceptual yoga shoot with my dear friend, Anthony Sapone and here’s a sneak peek:

I must be eager for 2018 because I haven’t once wrote 2017 on anything I have had to sign (and I’ve actually had a bunch of paperwork this week believe it or not).

Great things are already happening in 2018! Like I got hired to teach at Tribal Revolution in Chicago area! This was definitely one on my bucket list and what I had all but given up hope. Then, out of the blue (Blue Lotus Tribe as it were), they invited me to come and teach! Excited?! JUST A BIT!!!! Can you tell?!?!!! I’ll be teaching Metal Rage Yoga and Creative Dancer’s Toolkit and you can sign up here starting February 1st.

I have applied to some festivals, some vending things and art shows, so we shall see if I make the cut or not.

I have a full load of classes to teach and upcoming exciting choreographies and shows! Work on some new material for my Van Ella Studios Amoreography students in February as her showcase will be March 2nd. Also,  I just finished choreographing a new double sword routine for Aalim’s Night at the Casbah on March 3rd  Plus new choreography for AA Bellymancers, Mosaic Fusion and ERBD for Ami Amore’s Urban Cabaret on April 6th.

My ladies of ERBD are teaching a new session of the basics on Monday Nights and little Amaiyah of ERBD is teaching a daytime Rise n Shimmy class here at the studio.

I volunteered today at Tenth Life Cat Shelter, for the first time just going to help out and not teach a class, that’s where I met this cutie named Deja and boy did I want to take her home! I’m still teaching Cats N Mats starting February it will be the first Thursday of the month and just 15$ – 10$ goes to the shelter and 5$ to me.

 

Later this month, I will be once again traveling to Seattle to teach and perform in Tacoma Bellydance’s Horrific 3!

I’ve been working real hard on getting my Patreon up and running. I have a few more things to do then I think it will be okay to launch before the end of January! It’s going to have yoga and bellydance instructionals, plus glimpses into my daily life, special incentives and contests for supporters.

I’m also working on a new logo. I love my current logos, but since I am a visual artist, I feel it’s time I designed my own. I registered and paid out of pocket for another semester of metalsmithing and a torch, shit just got real and now I’m committed.

Also my I finally got my Yoga Trapeze that I have been wanting for so long.

I have an upcoming series of Pop Ups at Lucky Cat Tattoo including the LoveCats VDay Pop up on Feb. 11th 12-3pm

In 2018, I’m looking to change my residence, possibly move my studio, travel more and gain a deeper understanding of myself and try new things with my art. I’ve already planned out my show schedule for the year, updated my class policies and rates and am planning out Something Crafty This Way Comes III!

So please stay tuned…

 

October came and went and now it’s November, fall is finally here, time for pumpkin pie and hitting the gym extra hard  to negate those extra calories and increase those endorphins! Here’s what new with me right now…

Dancewise…I’m currently working on my solo for the next Urban Cabaret, which is a 90’s theme. It’s amazing that I can easily choreograph group routines or solos for others, but have a hell of a time sitting down and staying focused on choreographies for me. So most of the time, I end up loosely choreographing my solos. Whereas, I map out meeting points in my movement, like I want this move to go here at this point in the music and I fill in the few gaps with improv. Now, this only really works if you’re able to feel the music and know the music inside and out.  Fortunately for me it does. And really, speaking of feeling the music, you should check out this amazing show at The Monocle on November 18th. I’m thrilled to share the stage with the passion on Los Flamencos as well as Korvina and Final Veil at Ole Habibi! A bellydance flamenco Fusion show.

The next thing I am working on is my syllabus for my upcoming workshops in Seattle/Tacoma areas this January! I’m really excited about teaching some dark veil and veil choreography and some new dark fusion moves and combos. I’m really excited about breaking out an awesome routine I only got to do once for their Horrific show also that weekend (plus I’m also vending). I’m also thankful to Tacoma Bellydance for having me out!

I just had an amazing shoot in a rustic location 2 weeks ago with the talented Carrie Meyer of The Dancers Eye.  

It’s always a bit chaotic for me to get ready for a shoot because I have a vision and throwing together a costume fro me is simply not enough. I worked down tot he wire to get my bra, headress and all the details in place. Thank goodness for friends like Shazza Dazzla, who took a sketch of the skirt and was able to turn it into reality and not only that but she helped out on the shoot itself, alot. I owe that woman everything. She really is my sister wife.

Producer me is working hard to promote Urban Cabaret. Urban Cabaret started in early 2010 and has now grown into what it is today. I am thankful for my ever talented cast of rotating and regular dancers of all levels from student to pro to bring you the best possible show. Also, I’m in the process of promotions for my 2nd year in the running, craft (anti craft) show Something Crafty This Way Comes. There will be around 30 vendors, family friendly entertainment, delicious food for purchase at Capitalist Pig  all in an overall fun atmosphere. Hoping to make it even bigger next year with more vendors!

How do I keep it all organized? LISTS, LIST and more LISTS! No joke. So many notebooks. No joke.

Visual artist me is working on new paintings always maybe not for a particular show but because painting is therapy. I’m going to continue with my skull-moth series and expand the ones I like best into prints and notecards. I have two weekends in a row in November of artshows that I have different paintings in including Dia De Los Muertos at the History Museum this weekend and Poptropolis next weekend at Koken! I’m steadily working on the sketch prototype for my 2017 Krampus block print with a new design for debut at Something Crafty This Way Comes 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Metalsmithing class is going amazing as expected. I got through my first class project with an A (it was the headdress I wore in my shoot a couple weeks ago). I’m learning soldering now and my next big project is to make a bezel pendant. This could be a game changer for Amorticious product line, but Rome was not built in a day and neither was my company! It’s taken 9 years to get here and I’m not stopping anytime soon.

Teacher me has added on another yoga class at the studio once a month. Metal Rage Yoga Home Edition Ver 2.0, just 10$. It starts in November. I’ll still have my monthly Metal Flow class at the Crack Fox and of course Cats n Mats at Tenth Life and the weekly C/O Yoga classes.

Personally, I am trying to keep active. With the winter months, all I want to do is hide away and sleep and hermit in the studio doing nothing but painting and creative projects. I am lucky to have such a lovely set of friends to keep me social and a fantastic artner who supports my crazy ideas. I’ve met a lot of new and exciting people this year and have worked hard to get my name out there in some new circles.

I find it hard to wear so many hats and am currently seeking someone who can help me figure it all out (a business coach?). 2018 will continue the changes. After all the only thing that’s constant is change. I’m hoping to move  in 2018 and travel more. I’m trying to worry less and just be in the moment more. I’m carving out more time for just me and less time for things or people who take and don’t give. I’m spending more time being with and doing who and what I care about most. And always learning in the process, because after all, life is a process and a journey.

I am thankful for reconnecting with some of my blood family this year. It has been insightful, wonderful and a true blessing to say the least.

So, closing up here’s a throwback from last year’s November Urban Cabaret. Enjoy and hope to see you at the show. Feel free to purchase tickets here.

 

Ami Amore from Michael Pearce on Vimeo.